Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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