Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
