Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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