dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
