let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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