Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
