can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
