I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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