Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
