my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
