I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
