I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
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I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
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i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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