Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
