if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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