holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
