Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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