There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
