the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
