No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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