was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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