I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
