I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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