When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
