I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
