Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
