Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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