I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
