we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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