I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
