know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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