You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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