apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Randomize
