Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
