Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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