i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
