so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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