I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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