dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
