you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
