my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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