I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
