There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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