I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
