He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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