Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
