You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
