You're earring is so big in my mouth
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
