I bet he comes in French.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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