One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
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obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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