GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
