I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
