ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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