he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
