There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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