y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
