If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
