i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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