I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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