hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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