i would punch a child for taco bell
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
